There’s no denying it, weddings are wonderful! Being a couples’ counsellor, I’ve had the privilege to have been invited to a number of clients’ weddings in the last couple of years and it’s always uplifting to see the happy couple make that deep and abiding commitment to each other. Naturally, the run up to the big day (or days!) has been intense and most couples get swept up in the myriad of tiny details that make it so memorable. And, of course, it’s absolutely right that the day should be as close to your own fantasy of what the perfect wedding entails, but that fantasy is short-lived. When the last of the guests drift away and the honeymoon has been enjoyed, the couple must settle back into their new normal. In other words, when the wedding is over, the marriage begins. So, how do you give yourselves the best chance of making it a long and happy one?
Are you marriage-ready?
I offer two types of counselling for couples: pre and postmarital. I often muse on the idea that if more people engaged with the former then I might not see so many people seeking out the latter. It might seem a strange thing to do – to get counselling before you tie the knot, but it’s a very mature move.
I’m always astounded at how many couples give so little thought to the huge implications that marriage involves. This is a legal, hopefully life-long ‘contract’ with another person. That, to me, deserves a great deal of soul-searching and one of the best ways to do that is to talk things through.
Regardless of how together you feel, you and your partner have come from different backgrounds and you will have different family experiences. It’s great to gift yourselves that time and space to explore what you both expect from each other, what you both feel the future looks like and what might be involved in sharing a lifetime together. Discussing everything from making decisions about money, future children and parenting, physical and spiritual connectivity to managing conflict and resentment can provide a solid foundation of trust and respect before you embark on the biggest journey of your life.
Nailing down the ‘big questions’ can be extremely revealing, but it can also help you take on life’s ups and downs in a much more collaborative way, promoting trust and helping you resolve the inevitable arguments that all marriages have to withstand.
It’s great preparation, and one worth considering, but once the deal is sealed, how do you maintain a healthy relationship with one other person for the rest of your life?
The truth is there is no guarantee of success, but one thing I have learned from working with couples who are struggling is that even though it’s often a ‘big thing’ that has brought them to my door, it’s usually a series of ‘little things’ that has led up to that point.
Small resentments build up and eat away at the relationship until something big happens to destabilise the whole ship. It’s like the raindrops becoming a flood. That’s why I always say to couples that a good marriage is all about ‘checking-in’ with your partner.
All couples are going to argue, but successful couples learn how to listen and pick-up on the signals they’re being sent. Together they make small adjustments to accommodate each other. What I do is teach people how to tune in to those signals if it’s something they aren’t doing. All marriages are going to go through difficult times, the key to weathering them is to keep communicating until you’ve seen out the storm.
Talking is key
Of course good communication is one of the fundamental pillars on which to build a successful long-term relationship and trust is another. In fact, for me trust is at the heart of every positive relationship – be that between parent and child, life partners, friends or colleagues. That feeling of trust is very difficult to quantify, but erode it in any way and you’ll instantly feel that loss. It gives you a deep and abiding sense of security and the feeling that underneath everything that daily life throws at you you’re on the same team.
From trust springs a greater ability to tolerate and forgive. After that first flush of romance and excitement in a relationship, developing that deeper, life long relationship requires great reserves of tolerance. If we’re being honest, we all have foibles and habits that can irritate our partners and vice-versa. Trust allows you to navigate that conflict and commit to finding solutions that involve compromise.
Couples that attend post marital sessions with me have often lost that trust in each other. The ramifications of that loss are huge. A lack of trust creates a physical and emotional distance that takes a lot of work and commitment to repair. It breeds such resentment and negativity that the couple has often completely lost touch with why they married in the first place.
Couples that attend post marital sessions with me have often lost that trust in each other. The ramifications of that loss are huge. A lack of trust creates a physical and emotional distance that takes a lot of work and commitment to repair. It breeds such resentment and negativity that the couple has often completely lost touch with why they married in the first place.
So, if you want to set your relationship off on the right course for a happy future, promoting trust is one of the things you can both work together on. Of course that comes back to good communication. Transparency, openness and a willingness to acknowledge responsibility when you’re in the wrong are the strands that will weave together a stronger bond between you and your partner.
Now, that’s all very serious and important stuff, so for my final tip let’s lighten things a little. Spending a life-time together ultimately has to involve fun and laughter. Life can be very stressful at times and the best medicine I know to alleviate the impact of that is to share good times and laughter with the people you love. It’s a perspective thing. Couples who can laugh together during good times and bad tend to stay together. It’s the glue that binds us and the signal to the other person in your relationship that you enjoy being with them.
Although, of course, this can’t be forced, it’s important for any relationship that you factor in time for this to happen naturally. Being too busy to spend quality time with your other half means that you aren’t making time to share moments of joy. It’s all those small moments that keep the engine of the relationship ticking over and moving forward.
Over time we need to accept that life changes and we change with it. A long marriage could involve 50 years plus commitment and that necessarily means we have to navigate that change together. Laughter, fun, togetherness, kindness, trust and respect, whilst not always easy to tap into when your partner is irritating you or you are going through tough times, are, in my opinion, the core values that keep us together.
So, enjoy the wedding day, it’s a wonderful celebration of your love and commitment to one another, but when the big day ends, keep in mind it’s just the beginning.
