When I was in ninth grade, I got my first and only ‘zero’ in a physics test.
I had somewhat stopped making progress in physics since seventh grade, but that zero still felt like a kick. The reason was simple: I had barely touched the textbooks for days, as I couldn’t understand a word about the laws of gravity. They just seemed like a word salad with symbols, despite my father and teachers desperately trying to teach me. I ran away from them too. Yet, I told myself that I would study the day before the exam, and that was all that was needed, as if I was Einstein himself.
Well that zero settled all arguments. It was a similar pattern with mathematics; I kept delaying studying congruency about triangles because I knew that I didn’t understand. Yet, I couldn’t evade the wave of panic before the exam, trying to cram as much as I could. No more zeroes, but my report card was filled with a lot of single digits that year. Shame, guilt and after much self-loathing on seeing so many red marks, I finally enlisted help.
That’s the helplessness of self-sabotage. It can happen in many situations in life, at any time in your life. You find that you are getting in your own way and preventing any positive change in your life. When people continue to perpetuate toxic patterns, it also damages their relationships with others. “We can be our own worst enemies,” explains Charlotte Stebbing-Mills, a Dubai-based stress, relief and well-being specialist. “It’s common to encounter self-sabotage, which is like an invisible force that holds us back from achieving what we want,” she says
Self-sabotage: A sneaky psychological habit
Think of it this way: You have an interview for a senior position at a rather well-known and established company. You think they’ll never choose you, and convince yourself with arguments that you don’t have what they are looking for. So, you don’t do basic research or put in the extra work for the interview. You fumble and the interview doesn’t go well. And then you tell yourself, “I knew it.”
Self-sabotage is when someone people consciously and unconsciously create barriers to prevent an intended or expected outcome. There are several reasons why people do this to themselves. For starters, deep down, they have exceedingly low self-esteem, explains Joseph Belda, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist. “They do not think that they deserve to succeed.” This feeling is fueled by past experiences, including childhood trauma and previous hardships at work. Calling it a ‘sneaky psychological habit’, Mills describes it as a series of behaviours, or attitudes that compel a person to undermine their own growth and progress.
It may look like forgetfulness, failing to prepare, procastination, avoidance, resistance or declining support,says Ahmed Hanafy Mahmoud, an Abu-Dhabi based clinical psychologist at Maudsley Health. It is your brain's way of telling you that you are about to leave the familiar and go towards something unfamiliar. It might be the brain's way of trying to keep you safe, but it stands in the way of achieving your goals.
People who self-sabotage have exceedingly low self-esteem. They do not think that they deserve to succeed, and the feeling is fueled by past experiences....
With regard to formative childhood beliefs, author, coach wellness expert Laura K Connell who wrote the self-help book on self-sabotage titled It’s Not Your Fault, tells Gulf News, “A lot of these self-sabotaging issues arise owing to the dependency on our parents in childhood. Most of us did whatever it took to make them happy, and later we just tended to treat everyone with the same fear.” It leads us to having problems with limits and boundaries with people, because we’re so fearful of doing something wrong or upsetting someone.
A lot of these self-sabotaging issues arise owing to the dependency on our parents in childhood. Most of us did whatever it took to make them happy, and later we just tended to treat everyone with the same fear.
“There’s an inner fear that things, which took place in the past, could happen again,” says Belda. So if they made mistakes in the past, or had bad experiences, they would mostly be driven by the fear of making them again, which ironically pushes them to make more errors, procrastinate and get further trapped in a cycle of anxiety.
Subconscious sabotaging
Belda says that ‘subconscious’ self-sabotaging is far more complex to resolve. The self-saboteur will show warning signs like arriving late to work, make excuses, setting goals that are too low or too unrealistically high, seeking approval, hesitating to speak up, and constantly missing deadlines, even though they consciously have no intention to do so.
Connell also refers to self-sabotaging as a ‘coping mechanism’, which is a subconscious way of protecting ourselves.
In the book Stop Self Sabotage, Judy Ho, an American clinical psychologist, explains this converse behaviour. After we set goals, we get a boost in dopamine. However, when it is time to complete them, the fear of failure begins to trigger avoidant behaviour. As we try veering away from this perceived threat, we begin to move away from our goals, which is called the approach-avoidance conflict.
The warning signs of self-sabotage at the workplace
It’s an inspiring trait to determinedly pursue excellence in the contemporary workplace. However, when this pursuit becomes rather relentless, it can impact the well-being of employees.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a positive characteristic. However, it incorporates excessively high standards and a desire for perfection, leaving no room for mistakes, explains Nazli Balkir, a professor from the department from psychology at the Canadian University, Dubai. “While it can motivate people to accomplish exceptional results, it frequently results in negative outcomes such as increased tension, anxiety, and burnout. Perfectionists have a tendency to set unattainable objectives while ignoring their progress along the way,” she says.
Perfectionism can motivate people to accomplish exceptional results, it frequently results in negative outcomes such as increased tension, anxiety, and burnout. Perfectionists have a tendency to set unattainable objectives while ignoring their progress along the way
Owing to this attitude, a person gets trapped in a vicious cycle of dissatisfaction and anxiety, which affects the overall job performance.
Motivated by anxiety
When a person is fearful of making errors, being judged by peers and superiors and falling short of expectations, they get trapped in anxiety. Even though they might have a fair amount of qualifications and commendable talent, the anxiety can manifest as ‘impostor syndrome’. They start doubting their own competence and feel like frauds, says Balkir. This persistent anxiety, associated with perfectionism erodes self-esteem. It also clouds the creative processes and problem-solving skills.
Procrastination
As the anxiety of perfectionism takes a toll, the employee will engage in procrastination and delay the tasks at hand. Calling it a maladaptive coping strategy, Balkir says that a procrastinating employee temporarily alleviates their fear of failing to meet their astronomical standards. Unfortunately, this brief relief ebbs away as the anxiety increases when the deadline approaches.
Missed deadlines
In the midst of all that stress and procrastination, a deadline is missed. “Despite their competence and dedication, employees who grapple with these issues are trapped in a cycle of overly ambitious goal-setting, anxiety-induced procrastination, and ultimately missed deadlines,” explains Balkir. The constant cycle of disappointment and underperformance reinforces their negative self-perception, thereby exacerbating their anxiety and desire for unattainable perfection.
How can a person break out of this cycle of self-sabotage?
If self-sabotaging behaviours are not addressed, it can lead to missed opportunities and a sense of stagnation. “Clinging to comfort zones and limiting beliefs traps people in a cycle of unfulfilled potential, hindering progress and inducing further stress,” explains Mills. It can affect several areas of your life, including relationships, career, physical and mental health. The failure to achieve unrealistic goals can result in negative self-esteem, destroyed beliefs and increasing feelings of self-doubt. Self-saboteurs will then find solace in the ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ principle. If they could not achieve their goal, their belief that they could never attain it is confirmed. It perpetuates the negative and depreciating self-talk.
So, how does one break out of the cycle? For starters, others around them need to be more tactful, explains Belda. It’s a delicate situation, so people need to be sensitive on how to approach such a person. “If you see a person self-sabotaging themselves, you need to choose your words carefully on how you address them. If you get angry, it pushes them into a corner and perpetuates the cycle further. Nothing is resolved and their self-confidence reduces further,” explains Belda. You might be incredibly frustrated, but your anger with the person won’t solve anything. Remember, they already fear judgement.
Clinging to comfort zones and limiting beliefs traps people in a cycle of unfulfilled potential, hindering progress and inducing further stress
Make the person aware when they make an error, by encouraging them to look at a different perspective. Suggest how they can do it differently next time, and why this time it did not work. “You need to make them reflect, but without making it a lecture or reprimanding them. Reframe your words, and practise patience,” says Belda. They need support, so keep encouraging them and providing them with positive reinforcement, which will motivate them to reflect more.
For those who find themselves trapped in such cycles, you need to press yourself with tough questions. Ask yourself; where are these self-defeating attitudes and behaviours stemming from? What triggers these behaviours, suggests Mills. Ask yourself; If you weren’t sabotaging yourself, what would achieving the outcome represent to you?
Before anything else, you need to be kind to yourself, explains Connells. Positive mantra and affirmative talk can only go so far, as you need to practise self-compassion first. “Comfort yourself, the way you will comfort a friend,” she says.
Practising mindfulness is key, adds Mahmoud. "When we focus on some of the triggers that lead to self-sabotage in a non-judgemental way, we can not only learn about ourselves, but also generate more understanding," he says. He also advises relaxation and meditation, as it allows you to be fully present and grounded in each moment. "It helps you separate the past from the present, as well as thoughts from reality. This will help you in deciding how to respond to a traumatic situation," he says. Write down messages to your childhood self as well, to valide them and say that you will stand up for them, advises Mahmoud
When we focus on some of the triggers that lead to self-sabotage in a non-judgmental way, we can not only learn about ourselves, but also generate more understanding.
Mills provides a framework with the SABOTAGE method:
S - Self-Awareness: The first step is to become aware of your self-sabotaging behaviours. Pay attention to your thoughts, actions, and emotions to identify patterns of self-sabotage, especially if someone has pointed it out to you. The person needs to be aware about their childhood traumas and how they effect our life," says Hanafy.
A - Acceptance: Acknowledge that self-sabotage is a common human tendency and that everyone faces challenges. Acceptance allows you to be kinder to yourself and reduces self-criticism.
B - Break it Down: Identify the specific triggers or situations that lead to self-sabotage. Break down these triggers into smaller, manageable steps to make them less overwhelming.
O - Open Communication: Talk about your struggles with a supportive friend, family member, or a mental health professional. Open communication helps gain insights, support, and potential solutions.
T - Thought Reframing: Challenge un-resourceful thinking and reflect on the deeper reasons for your experiences so you can understand and move forward with clarity and alignment. Focus on your strengths and past successes to build self-confidence.
A - Action Plan: Create a realistic action plan to address the self-sabotaging behaviours. Set achievable goals and establish a timeline to track your progress.
G - Gratitude Practice: Cultivate a gratitude practice to shift your focus to empowering aspects of your life. Regularly acknowledge and appreciate your achievements, no matter how small, use them as evidence and fuel to move you towards what you want.
E - Embrace Imperfection: Understand that perfection is unattainable, and mistakes are part of the learning process. Balkir also adds that the acknowledgement that perfection isn’t attainable, reduces pressure on oneself. It also promotes self-compassion and lowers self-criticism.
Balkir also advises setting realistic goals at the workplace, along with time management and reprioritisation. “Professional trainings on effective time management and task prioritisation enable employees to break down complex tasks into manageable steps. This decreases the likelihood that you will feel overburdened and resort to procrastination,” she says.
